5 Tips to Compromising: Plan the perfect wedding with your other half
T-291 Til my week long of wedding events
Hey Brides of DMV,
I hope you are enjoying my blogs about wedding planning 101. The next couple posts, I am going to focus on basic planning, wedding etiquette, the do's and dont's for those involved in the planning process, and the role people play.
You may know by now that I am planning not one, but THREE events for my wedding. My week long wedding events include:
- One pre-wedding color party
- Two Jewish ceremonies
- One big fat Bengali Reception
- And taking our entire wedding party to another city
IT'S A LOT!!
So here are some tips that jump started my planning process. Hope it helps you too!
1) Compromised Vision: Near & Far Sighted!
Every bride has their own vision for their dream wedding. You are entitled to this. Never let a dominating bridesmaid, parent or in-law say otherwise. Don't feel bad & NEVER apologize about wanting things your way for YOUR wedding. But at the same time, remember that it is your FH's wedding as well. Incorporate his wishes. This will set you up for a great relationship and on track to the start of a solid marriage.
Personal Example: My FH is Jewish and I am Bengali. When we started the planning process, we both sat down to figure out what we wanted. Conclusion: He wanted to elope and I wanted a big Bengali wedding.
Typically Bengali weddings have 5 events:
-Engagement Party
-Bride's Gaye Holud - Pre wedding color party for the bride
-Groom's Gaye Holud - Pre wedding color party for the groom
-Biye: wedding reception hosted by Bride's family
-Boubhat: day after reception hosted by Groom's family
Since an elopement would not be acceptable by either side, and a 5 day event is ridiculous, we came up with a compromise. Here is our compromise:
- FH will plan a small Jewish wedding, incorporating only our wedding party, their significant others, his parents & a few of their close friends, in fabulous Las Vegas.
- The week after we get back from Las Vegas, we will do a reception locally. We already did an engagement party, and we weren't interested in doing a 4 day event. So we condensed it down to a two day event instead. One Gaye Holud for both boy & girl, and one Wedding Reception. Since many of his family members from this area is not going to our "planned elopement", we are also doing another Jewish ceremony during the Bengali wedding.
Our compromise really helped us save a lot of grief and A LOT OF MONEY!! We are both very happy with this decision and we felt heard by each other.
2) Hearing Aid: Listen when it matters!
As a wedding professional, I have noticed that most men do not get very involved in the details of the wedding. But the times they do, it is your chance to show that you care about his opinion. Being able to listen to your FH will make you a good wife, but sometimes being able to put his needs ahead of yours, will make you a great wife.
Personal Example: FH has been great. Truly, he has! I feel so blessed. Once we settled on the events, it has been smooth sailing. Multiple times, he has said, "whatever you want" and "whatever makes you happy" during the planning process. So, when he expressed a slight dissatisfaction with my first choice for photographer, I immediately backed off. I decided to go with my second choice and did not express any sort of grudge for doing so. I was happy to take his opinion, and not exclude him from his own wedding. A lot of my brides have expressed similar success in their relationships, by taking his opinion the few times he expresses it. He will support you more in the long run, once he realizes that you are on his team as well.
3) Budget: It takes a village!
Ask each other what you are both willing to spend. If you don't have the money to do something comfortably, then don't do it. SIMPLE!!
Personal example: FH and I decided to pay for the destination wedding out of our own pocket, which immediately helped us decide that we only want our wedding party there. My family offered to pay for my "dream wedding" locally. They offered to pay for upto 120 guests but they wanted to be able to invite half of those guests (which I thought was fair since they are paying for it). Our wedding party alone made up for 20 people, so we were only left with 40 more guests we can invite. We realized that we have to pay for each additional person after the allocated 120, and we had already maxed out our budget with the elopement. We weren't comfortable spending any more money on the wedding, so we decided not to. It was difficult, but FH and I cut down our guest list significantly.
However, FH had a wonderful idea. He decided to extend the following option to my in-laws: Since the venue can accommodate upto 160 guests, FH provided an option to my in-laws to be able to invite up to 40 extra guests of their liking & pay for the additional guests themselves. This allowed more flexibility for my in-laws. My parents didn't have to go over their 120 people budget, and my in-laws had the option to only pay for the extra guests, if they chose to invite more. In this scenario, we didn't have to go over our budget, we didn't have to ask my family for more money, and we were able to provide more flexibility to my in-laws in for their guest list. Problem Solved!!
4) Great Expectations: Rethink!
Ask yourself if are setting realistic expectations or being stubborn, especially when you are fighting for something. Sometimes you fight for an idea, but along the way you realize it's not practical, nor the best decision or even something you are passionate about. But you are in too deep, and it hurts your pride to change your stance. Well, breathe, take a step back, and realize that sometimes there is a win in a loss.
Personal Example: I really wanted my parents to de-invite an aunt, who I am not too fond of. I kept arguing about it throughout the first half of the planning process. During the process of arguing, I realized that there were going to be so many guests, it would never make a difference. And it really wasn't as big of a deal. I had a really hard time admitting that they were right all along, so I slowly dropped the topic and let them do as they please.
5) Pros and Cons
As simple as it sounds, a Pro and Cons list will help you make a decision and feel confident about the decision. I don't have a particular personal example for this last tip. I just made a pro and cons list every time I felt confused about a vendor or wedding related decision. Even if you make one mentally or verbally, it helps you feel confident about your final decision.
Hope you enjoy my tips. I will keep updating as I go along.
Love,
Tani
Hey Brides of DMV,
I hope you are enjoying my blogs about wedding planning 101. The next couple posts, I am going to focus on basic planning, wedding etiquette, the do's and dont's for those involved in the planning process, and the role people play.
You may know by now that I am planning not one, but THREE events for my wedding. My week long wedding events include:
- One pre-wedding color party
- Two Jewish ceremonies
- One big fat Bengali Reception
- And taking our entire wedding party to another city
IT'S A LOT!!
So here are some tips that jump started my planning process. Hope it helps you too!
1) Compromised Vision: Near & Far Sighted!
Every bride has their own vision for their dream wedding. You are entitled to this. Never let a dominating bridesmaid, parent or in-law say otherwise. Don't feel bad & NEVER apologize about wanting things your way for YOUR wedding. But at the same time, remember that it is your FH's wedding as well. Incorporate his wishes. This will set you up for a great relationship and on track to the start of a solid marriage.
Personal Example: My FH is Jewish and I am Bengali. When we started the planning process, we both sat down to figure out what we wanted. Conclusion: He wanted to elope and I wanted a big Bengali wedding.
Typically Bengali weddings have 5 events:
-Engagement Party
-Bride's Gaye Holud - Pre wedding color party for the bride
-Groom's Gaye Holud - Pre wedding color party for the groom
-Biye: wedding reception hosted by Bride's family
-Boubhat: day after reception hosted by Groom's family
Since an elopement would not be acceptable by either side, and a 5 day event is ridiculous, we came up with a compromise. Here is our compromise:
- FH will plan a small Jewish wedding, incorporating only our wedding party, their significant others, his parents & a few of their close friends, in fabulous Las Vegas.
- The week after we get back from Las Vegas, we will do a reception locally. We already did an engagement party, and we weren't interested in doing a 4 day event. So we condensed it down to a two day event instead. One Gaye Holud for both boy & girl, and one Wedding Reception. Since many of his family members from this area is not going to our "planned elopement", we are also doing another Jewish ceremony during the Bengali wedding.
Our compromise really helped us save a lot of grief and A LOT OF MONEY!! We are both very happy with this decision and we felt heard by each other.
2) Hearing Aid: Listen when it matters!
As a wedding professional, I have noticed that most men do not get very involved in the details of the wedding. But the times they do, it is your chance to show that you care about his opinion. Being able to listen to your FH will make you a good wife, but sometimes being able to put his needs ahead of yours, will make you a great wife.
Personal Example: FH has been great. Truly, he has! I feel so blessed. Once we settled on the events, it has been smooth sailing. Multiple times, he has said, "whatever you want" and "whatever makes you happy" during the planning process. So, when he expressed a slight dissatisfaction with my first choice for photographer, I immediately backed off. I decided to go with my second choice and did not express any sort of grudge for doing so. I was happy to take his opinion, and not exclude him from his own wedding. A lot of my brides have expressed similar success in their relationships, by taking his opinion the few times he expresses it. He will support you more in the long run, once he realizes that you are on his team as well.
3) Budget: It takes a village!
Ask each other what you are both willing to spend. If you don't have the money to do something comfortably, then don't do it. SIMPLE!!
Personal example: FH and I decided to pay for the destination wedding out of our own pocket, which immediately helped us decide that we only want our wedding party there. My family offered to pay for my "dream wedding" locally. They offered to pay for upto 120 guests but they wanted to be able to invite half of those guests (which I thought was fair since they are paying for it). Our wedding party alone made up for 20 people, so we were only left with 40 more guests we can invite. We realized that we have to pay for each additional person after the allocated 120, and we had already maxed out our budget with the elopement. We weren't comfortable spending any more money on the wedding, so we decided not to. It was difficult, but FH and I cut down our guest list significantly.
However, FH had a wonderful idea. He decided to extend the following option to my in-laws: Since the venue can accommodate upto 160 guests, FH provided an option to my in-laws to be able to invite up to 40 extra guests of their liking & pay for the additional guests themselves. This allowed more flexibility for my in-laws. My parents didn't have to go over their 120 people budget, and my in-laws had the option to only pay for the extra guests, if they chose to invite more. In this scenario, we didn't have to go over our budget, we didn't have to ask my family for more money, and we were able to provide more flexibility to my in-laws in for their guest list. Problem Solved!!
4) Great Expectations: Rethink!
Ask yourself if are setting realistic expectations or being stubborn, especially when you are fighting for something. Sometimes you fight for an idea, but along the way you realize it's not practical, nor the best decision or even something you are passionate about. But you are in too deep, and it hurts your pride to change your stance. Well, breathe, take a step back, and realize that sometimes there is a win in a loss.
Personal Example: I really wanted my parents to de-invite an aunt, who I am not too fond of. I kept arguing about it throughout the first half of the planning process. During the process of arguing, I realized that there were going to be so many guests, it would never make a difference. And it really wasn't as big of a deal. I had a really hard time admitting that they were right all along, so I slowly dropped the topic and let them do as they please.
5) Pros and Cons
As simple as it sounds, a Pro and Cons list will help you make a decision and feel confident about the decision. I don't have a particular personal example for this last tip. I just made a pro and cons list every time I felt confused about a vendor or wedding related decision. Even if you make one mentally or verbally, it helps you feel confident about your final decision.
Hope you enjoy my tips. I will keep updating as I go along.
Love,
Tani
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